Hour 6 – Stun Him by Naming His Most Secret Fears and Desires

Hour 6 PDF

Hour 6 mp3

Hour 6 Worksheet

Stun him by naming (and understanding) his most secret needs, fears, and desires

If you are a confident woman who is filled with life and energy, you will already have much of what attracts a man and keeps him circling your yard like a love-starved golden retriever.

And the more you know about what really drives him, the more he’ll be begging for your attention. Because it’s a basic, driving human desire to be known and (still) accepted.

There are at least six forces of nature at work within a man.

1. He loves an adventure, and the thrill of the chase
2. Deep down, he’s afraid of failure
3. He’s very much driven by hormones
4. He desperately wants to feel needed and admired as a man
5. Most of the time, he’s very task/goal oriented
6. He’s bad with expressing and understanding complex feelings

Once you start to understand the forces that are driving men from the inside, you can make them feel like out of all the women in the world, only YOU really understand them.
They’ll be yours forever!

Adventure and the Thrill of the Chase

There’s an inherent trap in this one, and you definitely don’t want to fall into it. It’s called “forever playing hard to get.”

On the one hand, your time and attention should not be so easy to win that he doesn’t have to do ANYthing. But you don’t want to act completely disinterested and unimpressed (unless you are) with the efforts he makes to win your glance.

The key is in balance.

Enter the game with all your heart, but do remember that it’s a game, and most of the fun in a game is in the playing of it! Don’t just bow in surrender the instant you sense his interest.

There’s no chase if the quarry can be instantly caught.

And keep the adventure alive! Choose interesting, even edgy things for the two of you to do. What could the two of you do together that would get your pulse racing?

• See a scary movie.
• Try an unusual food (Gator burger, anyone?) together.
• Join forces in a co-rec game of flag football.
• Visit a volcano.
• Share a picnic at a dam, reservoir, or on a beach jetty.
• Go paragliding or indoor cart racing.
• Toss pebbles off a bridge into a rushing river.
• Take a sailing lesson together.
• Try geocaching, or join an urban scavenger hunt.
• Visit the aquarium at shark-feeding time.
• Sneak onto the roof of a high-rise building.
• Get tickets to the races.
• Plan a movie (or other semi-public venue) make-out session.
• Watch a boxing match together.
• Swim with the manatees.
• Take him to the shooting range.
• Travel to a place with breathtaking aerial vistas…

You get the idea!

Fear of Failure

Of course, everybody fails at something. It’s simply part of the process of working at a task, learning a skill, or being part of the human race.

Men have a lot tied up in this one. They were brought up to believe that they needed to have full control and mastery over the outer world of action and accomplishment. They are expected to control things, as well as fix them when they’re broken.

Growing up, how often did he hear things like:

• You lifted that big, heavy rock; you’re so strong.
• A base hit! Good for you.
• Dad needs you to help carry in all the moving boxes.
• Look at you, you put that entire puzzle together.
• You are such a fast runner!
• Son, while I’m gone, look after your mother for me.
• Wow, you made a spaceship out of your legos!
• Please help your little sister. She’s not as strong as you.
• Great! You helped me fix that sink!

They are expected to be masters, controllers, and fixers. Boy’s games seem to reinforce that outward mastery: Balls, building blocks, tools, games, toy soldiers, races, action figures, toy cars and model airplanes.

They grow up basing their self-esteem on their aptitude with these things.

This also makes it hard for guys to say “I’m sorry,” because that would imply that they failed at something or did something wrong. Likewise, they tend to resist reading self-help books, and are often reluctant to see a therapist or counselor for the same reason.

There are several things you can do to avoid triggering his defense mechanisms or his “I failed” response, and instead make him feel like a successful man in every way.

1. Learn what he’s really good at, and call on those skills.
My man is a math god; there is no math he does not naturally desire to master, or at least explore. He’s also a game and puzzle fiend. When we were in college, I asked him for tutoring as often as I could, and frequently set up study dates where I could invite him to help me. I also phoned him excitedly when I did well on a math exam or quiz. He was as proud as a cat with 8 smart kittens and a dish of cream to boot. And he was eager to teach me more. (Much more, and it had little to do with math, hah!)

2. When things get emotional, give him some life-preservers to hang on to.
Don’t expect him to swim in the same ocean you do without a little extra help.

Try setting a time limit on emotional issues. Tell him “We can talk about it for half an hour, before we head out.”

• Give him some breathing room. Try offering a day or two of space. “How about we take a look at this again tomorrow?”
• Don’t exaggerate when you’re upset. Women tend to dramatize our feelings, which has the effect of a giant ocean wave crashing over a man’s head. Try to keep the drama and exaggeration to a minimum and you may find your troubles are more easily solved.
• Tell your man exactly what you want from him. If you only want him to listen, and you don’t need him to solve your problem for you, tell him! If you want him to hold you while you cry, let him know. Don’t make your man guess, or he’ll feel unable to be successful.

3. Give him specific metrics so he can measure his success.
This means letting him know specifically what things you would love to have him DO and BE for you. In other words, find ways to regularly measure what you want out of the relationship, and give him goals and tasks to accomplish.

For example, if you want him to choose the restaurant for your date, let him know. Then give him feedback like, “That was the perfect little spot! You knew how much I love Greek food!” or “I had a great time at the International Food Festival! I’m so glad you took me.”

If you like it when he drives, hand him the keys. If you prefer quiet experiences together rather than dates in noisy, crowded arenas, don’t make him guess. Let him know and praise him for making your time together intimate and romantic.

Don’t hint around that your birthday (or another big event) is arriving soon, tell him outright that you can’t wait to plan something special together for the big day. Discuss options, and thank him for making you feel special.

The Hormones That Drive Him

Of course he adores you! And NO, he DIDN’T see that nearly-naked Angelina look-alike strut past. He emphatically didn’t see her.

And by “emphatically didn’t” I mean, of course, that his entire body was on high alert and his normal conversational brain utterly blanked out for a second while his porn brain flashed through five unique sexual scenarios in which she was the primary actress.

Your man has a pulse that never quits flooding his system with hormones. His eyeballs can’t be separated from his hormonal responses, and even though he (hopefully) knows better than to gawk and whistle at every woman who captures his attention – especially when he’s with you! – he’s still likely to KNOW those other droolworthy women are around.

Yes, he thinks about sex most of the time. And by “most” I mean all.

He imagines sex with that barista, those soccer moms, other mens’ girlfriends and/or wives, the woman at the driver’s license agency, your sister, his cousin, and even that crazy lady with the cats. That doesn’t mean he is going to do anything about it. But the pictures do flash through his head.

What you can do is:

1. be aware of this as a simple fact of a man’s life,
2. understand that just because he looks doesn’t mean he’s not happy with YOU, and
3. give him a tiny little release valve…

Here’s what I mean by that last one. Let’s say that blonde goddess just strolled past you both on her way into the Victoria’s Secret. Make your own visual observation.

It shouldn’t be mean-spirited, and it definitely shouldn’t set up negative comparisons with yourself. Her breasts may in fact be three times the size of yours, but believe me, he is thrilled with yours!

It can just be your own simple note on the drool factor. Something like,

“Those 6-inch heels sure showed off her sexy legs.”

“She’s beautiful.”

“There’s a lot to admire about that body.”

“Beach babe alert. Hottie at 4 o’clock.”

“There’s a bunch of luggage in those Daisy Dukes.”

“I’m pretty sure she’s wearing a thong with those jeans.”

“Every guy here is checking out that babe.”

If he’s smart, he won’t take the conversation any farther, but even if he does…
You can pull the rug completely out from under him and make his brain do a screaming U-turn in YOUR direction.

Try this on for hot:

“I don’t think she was wearing underwear. I plan to do that tomorrow. Would you like that?”

“If I wore a skirt that tight, I’d definitely want to take it off as soon as possible.”

“We’re going to have to do something about the ache that woman just gave you. Maybe we should head back home now.”

“When we get out to the car, I think I’m gonna let you see more of mine that you just saw of hers…”

“Which body part of mine is the one you most like to see exposed… in public?”

“Hm. That gives me an idea. Could you step back here with me for just a moment?”

See what I mean?

His Need to Be Needed (and Admired) as a Man

This one is pretty easy, and we’ve already discussed it a little bit already in Hour Five.

Guys want to feel like they have something you need, like they can do something helpful or valuable for you. And they want to be admired for being the man they are.

Here’s a simple list of 39 simple ways you can make your man feel needed and admired.

• Put him in charge of the directions (you heard me!).
• Never expect him to read your mind.
• Let him order for you.
• Thank him for the things he does.
• Let him walk you to your car in a dark parking lot.
• Let him walk you to your door.
• Patiently teach him how to show you his love.
• Consult him before making big plans.
• Stroke his ego in the bedroom.
• Give him clear signals when you’re pleased.
• Hold his hand and snuggle up close to him.
• Brag about him to other people, even when he’s not there.
• Laugh at his jokes.
• Let go of the small stuff.
• Ask him to flex his muscles so you can feel them.
• Let him take up for you.
• Ask him to tell you about his work.
• Frame his race number.
• Tell him how much you appreciate him.
• Allow him to go into the dark house first.
• Seduce him.
• Ask him to get you things that are out of your reach.
• Focus your attention on what he’s doing right.
• Ask for his advice when you face challenges.
• Let him take you to the gym and show you his workout.
• Pay attention to what he feels is important in life.
• Tell him he’s handsome. Gorgeous. Irresistible.
• Be his biggest cheerleader.
• Set and work on goals together.
• Tell him you’re proud of him.
• Invite him to explain something to you (math, soccer, radio waves, cars).
• Grin and enjoy his inner dorkiness.
• Let him carry heavy things for you.
• Ask him to show you his old photo albums.
• Sincerely compliment him every day.
• Allow him to treat you like a lady.
• Wink at him from across a crowded room.
• Let him open that jar, wrestle that flat tire off, and pump your gas.
• Showcase his accomplishments to your friends.

Don’t forget to use your Powerful Questions that you downloaded earlier…

He’s Task- and Goal-Oriented

We’ve touched on this a few times before, but the fact remains that men are simply less interested in doing ANYthing if there’s no “reason” that they can identify with for that activity.

Aimless shopping at the mall for “nothing in particular” is out. But if you give a man half your grocery list and send him off with a cart, it’s an adventure.

Endless social events are toxic to him, but if you ask him to get his band to play for the event, he’s in.

It’s hard for him to shoot hoops with friends without engaging in a little friendly competition. What’s the point unless someone wins (accomplishes a goal)?

If given a choice, guys will also choose to do or accomplish one task at a time, whereas women are more likely to be mentally planning dinner, finishing a report that’s due in at work, while also listening to the radio and keeping the kids on task with their chores.

So what can you do to let him know that the way he’s wired is not only acceptable to you, but actually valued?

Play to his strengths.

This doesn’t mean you should make long Honey-Do lists every day for him to get done, but if you can work a little bit of task-orientation into your daily life you’ll be amazed at how much more connected with you he’ll feel.

Let him have specific tasks to accomplish in your relationship. And thank him for being the way he is. (He’s intensely grateful you’re the way you are, by the way. If the two of you weren’t so very different your chemistry together wouldn’t be nearly so potent!)

Not Great with Feelings

If you can keep from using heavy language about feelings and emotions in the early stages of your relationship, your man will feel a lot more like he’s on solid ground.

Of course he has feelings, but he rarely thinks of things in the same complex ways that you do.

Women are like Eskimos. Legend had it they had over a hundred words to describe snow. But for a guy, it’s just…snow!

Check back periodically on those emotional life preservers that we talked about earlier.

• Try setting a limit on time spent talking about emotional issues.
• Give him a day or two of breathing room before tackling them again.
• Don’t exaggerate when you’re upset.
• Tell him exactly what you want from him.

It also helps simply to be aware that this is probably not his strength. Don’t force him to play on a field where his skills and styles of communication are not allowed.