Okay, we’ve talked just a bit about sex, but before we leave the subject I want to take one more dip into the warm, silky water of the subject. Because everybody has an opinion on the following question, and mine is the right one, haha.
Seriously, here are my reasons for the answer, and you can read ’em and tell me if you agree. But you will. : )
Question One: Should you have sex on the first date?
No. Never. Not at all. Perish the thought.
Sex on the first date is like intercourse without foreplay.
WHY would you do that to yourself?
Well, you wouldn’t! And here are my further brilliant reasonings on the topic.
1. Waiting = foreplay.
As mentioned before, waiting to have sex allows you to create some very delicious tension around the act. Just read any erotic novel. Doesn’t it seem like the author pulls out every stop to delay, draw out, and intensify the eventual fireworks by making the characters WAIT? Girlfriend, give that butter time to melt, cause it’s going to make the dish that is YOU even more delicious.
2. Waiting gives you time to make the best decisions.
How long does it take you to truly evaluate whether or not you want to share an intimacy like sex with a man? Chances are it’s longer than it takes to share dinner and a drink.
3. Waiting keeps you both tuned in.
The tension is there. Will you make it to home plate? The game is in the works, and it makes you both more interested in tuning in to each other for each new play, each move, each episode. When you jump in the sack too soon, the excitement of that very first game will never be recaptured with that particular man, so don’t make the decision lightly.
4. Waiting allows him to be a gentleman.
And it keeps you from feeling like a tramp. Why would you willingly take away the very thing that lets you both be seen and experienced as any less than the respectable, grown people you are? C’mon, you know as well as I do: one night stands are no one’s example of a real relationship with growth potential.
5. First-date sex is sex with a fake person.
I don’t mean the sex is fake, I mean the person you’re in bed with is fake. This man exists primarily in your head. You haven’t taken the time to get to know him, and he’s mostly made up of your projections of what you’d LIKE him to be like. Not very satisfying, huh?
6. First-date sex kills respect levels.
Meaning your self-respect, not so much his. Guys generally have a different view of one night stands, and get over them quickly and easily. Women, not as easily. I’m not saying that’s fair or good or right, it just IS. Do you have any reason whatever to lower your respect levels?? Didn’t think so. That’s no help to anybody.
7. You don’t want to “share.”
There are just so many things that shouldn’t be shared. Men and STDs are two of them. When you wait, you get to know more about the man you’re interested in, and that includes finding out whether or not he’s the village bicycle that everyone rides (ick). You’d rather have an exotic luxury trip on a cruise line built exclusively for you, no? Me too!
Oops. You had sex on the first date. What now?
If it’s too late and you’ve already made the mistake, just know that you get to try again. Most likely with someone else.
It’s a painful position to be in because sex can be such a powerful thing, and it’s best with a person who really cares about you and wants to know you in that amazingly intimate way.
Also there’s the possibility of accidental pregnancies, which can tie you up in many emotionally difficult ways, all of which have lifetime consequences. I’ll bet you know someone this happened to. I do (more than one, in fact), and you’d be amazed at how people can rise to the occasion, and restore your faith in humanity. Just letting you know there’s lots and lots of hope and possibility for a good future there…
But if none of that is the case, that particular relationship – if you can even call it that – is over.
It COULD work, but it probably has about as much chance as Charlie Sheen has to stay clean and sober, so try to learn something from it and move on.
Most importantly, don’t endlessly beat yourself up about it. Yes, it’s important, but it isn’t the end-all, be-all. You get to keep on. There’s much, much more to a real relationship than one night of poorly-considered sex.
Question Two: Should YOU Be the First to say “I Love You”?
I want to take a short little break to open up this seemingly simple little question that women ask ALL the TIME, because there’s a very good, very succinct answer and you should know it.
You should NOT be the first one to say “I love you” in your relationship.
That’s the short answer, and here’s the (admittedly longer) reason why.
When you say these three not-so-little words before he does, you automatically do two things:
- You take away his preferred role of pursuer, and
- You instantly cause him to feel the pressure of a “serious” relationship.
The truth is that there’s no reason to be the first one to say the “magic” words!
If you’ve already been very clear with him that your availability is limited (see above) he knows he only has so much time. If you press the point and he’s not ready, he’s likely to run. Which may be fine on the one hand, because it will tell you that you moved too far, too fast.
But why risk it? Use your ninja discipline! Let him be the first.
Let him be the one who marks this milestone in your relationship. It not only allows you to maintain the romantic tension in the relationship, but it lets you know very clearly where he stands.
How to fix it if you already said “I love you”
Okay, so you had one glass of wine too many and got carried away. The three little words slipped out and you can’t take them back or laugh them off. Hate it when that happens!
But it does happen.
And don’t worry, it CAN be repaired.
Here are the two things you can do to “fix it” if you’ve already said “I love you” first. I call this the Magic Two Step, and I hope you won’t need it, but in case you do, you’ll be set!
1. DON’T mention it again.
It happened, and you don’t want to draw any more attention to it. Let the river flow on by, and relentlessly remind yourself that it’s not a huge deal.
2. Build some distance back in.
You were too available, but now you can back up just a bit so you both can breathe again.
I think of this as the Rubber Band Principle, and it works like this.
A rubber band “works” when it’s tight. That’s how it holds up your pony tail, or keeps all your pencils in a bundle. But if it’s loose and wobbly, it can’t fulfill it’s function.
Imagine that you and your man each have one side of the rubber band. If you get too close to his side, there’s no pull, no tension. So back ‘er up, sugar doll, and viola! The tension magically returns!
How to do that in this particular situation? Easy.
Stop returning his calls, texts, and emails the instant they ping in. Don’t be constantly available. Don’t just pretend to be busy, actually stay busy! He’s going to eventually want to win the prize of some of your valuable and not-so-easily-won attention.
Maintain your discipline, and be sure to keep on engaging and dating other guys. Work your sexy! It’s going to bring you results, and if you can keep from focusing constantly on the one mistake you made, you just may find it slowly, sweetly, finally disappears.
And you’re not likely to make that one again, now are you?
