Ordering at the Man Buffet | Capture His Heart Access

Below you’ll find a few of the main types of men women tend to be attracted to – for good or for ill – and what you may want to think about as you interact with them…

Remember, one size does NOT fit all, and these are simple descriptions of men that simply won’t be able to capture all the nuances of a real guy. But it’s a place to begin browsing the Man Buffet, and thinking about what you’d like to have…

Mr. Romance

Think Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing, Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, Leonardo DiCaprio in Titantic, or Will Smith in Hitch. Yep, you got the picture of Mr. Romance.

And what woman DOESN’T love a romantic man (or at least the idea of one)? He’s affectionate, sends you darling little love notes, understands about anniversaries, moonlight and poetry, and generally leaves women breathless. Besides, you love to be wooed. Who wants to sit waiting endlessly for your cell to ring? Of all the types of guys out there, Mr. Romance is the least likely to ever do that to you.

The good: Romantic men will show you the softer side of mankind, the part that’s warm, fuzzy, and adorable. You’ll enjoy being really taken care of, and you may even begin to think better of yourself simply because he thinks so highly of you.
The bad: Sometimes romantic men are too much like candy bars; delicious once in a while, but after a while you begin to long for something more substantial and filling. Mr. Romance might be in love with the idea of being Mr. Romance, and that can get a little annoying after a while, not to mention the fact that he is very likely to be applying his charming ways to more women than just you, even after the two of you agree to commit to each other.
What you should consider: Enjoy the experience of a romantic man! But keep a level head, because you know that a serious relationship takes serious work. There’s plenty of chance for this to work, but your relationship may not always look quite so dreamy.

The Man’s Man

This guy is more on the order of Mel Gibson in Braveheart, Robert Downey, Jr. in Iron Man, Russell Crowe in Gladiator, or Sylvester Stallone in Rocky.

The Man’s Man is a hard-boiled, whiskey-drinking, tough guy who will open the door (or even rip it off the hinges if needed) for you, repair the car, remove the bats from your attic, and who would rather cut off his own arm than hold your purse while you visit the Ladies’ Room. He might carry the baby in a backpack (preferably while on African safari) but never in a Snugli. Also known as the Macho Man.

The good: The Man’s Man is incredibly handy to have around, so long as he has specific manly tasks, including his job, to focus on. If you love the idea of having a man to fight for you, protect you, and even handle the majority of the income production, you may really go for this kind of guy.
The bad: These guys excel at being stubborn and single-minded, and that can bite both of you in the relational butt. The Man’s Man resists examining his feelings even more than most guys, and is often reluctant to allow himself to have intimate, emotional encounters. He may also be a workaholic.
What you should consider: The Man’s Man generally prefers a very feminine and traditional woman, so if you’re the type who expects to equally share housekeeping duties, earn a high salary while piloting a large firm, or is ruthlessly competitive, there may be issues.

The Life of the Party

This is Vince Vaughn in The Wedding Crashers, or Will Ferrell in, I dunno, Elf. Ha ha. (It’s clear I need to stop doing this soon.)

You know the kind of guy I mean, though. This guy is forever the laughing, sparking, fizzing, energetic center of every gathering. He’s an outstanding networker, and appears to be everyone’s friend. He’s a good time personified, and rarely lacks for invitations out.

The good: If you’re looking for someone social to balance out your shy, this guy may be a match for you. He’ll always be looking for the next place to show up, the new faces to bring into the circle. He’s incredibly easy to get to know, at least on the top levels. If he has ambition to go with his social, he’ll likely do well in his job, too.
The bad: The Life of the Party guy loves to be the center of attention; this can cause possible hitches in a relationship if you’d like the spotlight for yourself once in a while. In addition, these guys love new things, and if the thought of loads of spontaneity – and possibly very little stability – scares you, beware.
What you should consider: The Life of the Party man is really easy and fun to be around, and you should enjoy that! But be willing to get off the roller coaster and get to stable ground when you need to.

The Pretty Boy

Mmm, you know these genuine boys. They are bad and they are good, but no one disputes their beauty factor. Ryan Seacrest, Robert Pattinson, Tiger Woods, Justin Timberlake, Channing Tatum, and the list goes on.

Everything about these boys is gorgeous, and they usually know it. Creamy skin, angelic faces, perfect wardrobes… Like the woman who never passes her bedroom door in anything less than full makeup, the Pretty Boy is rarely seen with a single feather out of place. Delectable? Without a doubt. You could eat them up with a spoon, and plenty of women do. Easy to date? Well, that can be complicated.

The good: They’re definitely in touch with their feminine side. They’re easy on the eyes, and frequently the object of lots of attention.
The bad: They can be kinda girly, and they’re almost always high-maintenance or narcissistic. Regular manscaping (flat-ironing the hair, tweezing the brows, bleaching the teeth, etc.) is not cheap or fast. You may feel a bit like a fat pile of dried hay stuck together with cowpoo when you’re standing next to him.
What you should consider: To date a Pretty Boy, you should be the kind of person very comfortable with your man getting lots of looks and attention from other women. And if he doesn’t recognize your own value or resents when you get attention too, he’s definitely not worth your time. The Pretty Boy may be gay or bisexual, so be aware of your own preferences in a man before you invest heavily.

The Geek or Nerd

These are my favorite. (So much so that I married one!) I can’t think of movie nerds without smiling over my early crush on Matthew Broderick in War Games. But you might also think of Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network, Michael Sera in Juno, or Dan Aykroyd in Sneakers.

Geeks and Nerd guys are NOT Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt. They aren’t suave or debonair. But they can upgrade your OS or set you up a massive co-ed LAN party, and they typically use sunscreen. IF they go outside. Which they don’t, often. And unless they are teachers (mine is, oh well), they probably make good money.

The good: If you are a geek or nerd yourself, the two of you together are going to rock the world. You’ll travel to cons together, solve the hell out of damn near any household problem, and make clever, hilarious videos together. In bed, holy kama sutra – what these guys haven’t researched, they’re willing to learn. And they desperately want to please you.
The bad: The clothing issues can be fixed, usually. But you’ll have to tell them what things are socially appropriate in other areas as well, if that sort of stuff matters to you. You may also lose them to long hours playing WOW or watching a Joss Whedon movie marathon.
What you should consider: Typically Geeks and Nerds are WYSIWYG. What you see is what you get. They aren’t typically deceptive (unless they’re sneaking their own soda into the movies), but they might be cheapskates. You may have to compete with video games for a nerd’s attention, but they are also less likely to cheat on you. If stunning good looks, reliable personal hygiene, or suave social graces are critical to you, a match-up with one of these guys could be rocky.

Mr. In Control

Incredibly charming when you first meet them, they are very confident as they plan your dates, pay your way, and put you on a pedestal. Mr. In Control may be reasonably well off (he controls his money) and isn’t necessarily a dictator, bully, or creep.

The good: Confidence and care is sexy, and it feels lovely to be connected to a man who knows how to treat you well. The good version of Mr. In Control is stable, reliable, and rarely does crazy stuff.
The bad: If he starts telling you your clothes are too revealing, your friends are no good, your family is nosy and your job is too demanding, or if he “needs” you to have nothing in your life but him, get out. Mr. In Control has morphed into Mr. Abusive, and it only gets worse.
What you should consider: Some men are cruel. They aren’t power hungry, they are sick. But not all guys who are in control are jerks. You may really appreciate a man who can balance his finances, work-home life, and relationships nicely. And he might be a good relational fit if you are willing to drive the spontaneity-and-splurge train yourself.

Peter Pan

Okay, most men have lots of little boy in them, and if you avoided them all there’d be no one to date! But Peter Pan men are all boy, no man.

They want women to be their mothers, and unfortunately, women are often culturally conditioned to the role, even to the point of mothering a grown man. This sets up an unhealthy co-dependence, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t lots of Peter Pan – Wendy couples.

The good: A Peter Pan man is frequently fun-loving and carefree (if dramatic). If it’s been a while since you’ve let go and really played with life, these guys will be your favorite companions. They will confide in you, spend long hours on the phone with you, and they can make the kind of Dad that kids absolutely adore having.
The bad: Peter Pans are commitment-phobes at heart. They don’t like taking responsibility for things, and nothing is ever their fault. They like to talk, but don’t like a serious discussion, especially if it’s about something they need to address within themselves.
What you should consider: Even if you are in a relationship with a Peter Pan, he will likely continue to flirt with and constantly befriend other women, and he could easily exchange you for one of them, although it’s more likely he’d rather have his cake and eat it too by keeping everyone in his thrall.

The Foreign Guy

Antonio Banderas, Ziyi Zhang of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Gael Garcia Bernal of Y Tu Mamá También…

Oh, that adorably sexy accent, the exotic good looks, that unique way of seeing the world – The Foreign Guy is irresistibly alluring. You met them in college, you discovered them in Europe, they work in your office and you see them on the silver screen, but your fascination with the land and culture they represent just never quits drawing you in.

The good: An entire new world, opened to you! And why do foreign guys seem to mark every special moment with a flower and a kiss? It seems like The Foreign Guy is never at a loss for a swoon-worthy (if corny) compliment, even if parts of it are lost in translation.
The bad: His social customs and everyday behavior can be quirky, or even downright inappropriate. The language barriers may be overwhelming, and the strain of actually dating or living in more than one country (or having family in more than one country) can be stressful.
What you should consider: If you’re a homebody who is seriously out of her comfort zone in new and different situations, this may not be the kind of match you’re looking for. In addition, when dating a Foreign Guy it helps to have an openness to different religious preferences, beliefs, and practices, and a patient willingness to accommodate.

The Underachiever

He may have all the advantages – a degree, financial resources, strength and intelligence – but he hasn’t found the motivation to put them to use. Or he may have been suffering a string of unlucky breaks. But most Underachievers are reasonably content living in their parent’s basement or renting a simple efficiency with the tiny paycheck they bring in.

The good: You may long for a simple, uncomplicated life, or a man with few wants. In fact, there is a time in most people’s lives where “just coasting” is the preferred method of living. No kids, no responsibilities, no worries. It may be fine with you to cut loose and drift for a while. Just make sure you know what you’re signing up for.
The bad: While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having few material wants, there may be something wrong if your man is uninterested in ANYthing.
What you should consider: If you’re an overachiever, this man may either see you as his free ticket, or else just being around you will want him to take a nap. If you are comfortable with a low-profile, simple and unselfish life, this may be the guy for you.

The Jock

You were in high school with this guy, he was uber-cool. And you discovered the “stupid jock” stereotype isn’t always accurate. Jocks can be incredibly sexy – all that fitness and sweat makes for nice naked flesh. And even if he’s less of a jock and more of a sports fan (hello, that’s most men), you may still find his passionate nature arousing, and want to recruit him to your team.

The good: The Jock is not likely to grow a beer gut (the sports fan may). And the jock nature covers a lot of intriguing areas – maybe you’ll discover a superior horseman or an incredible Frisbee player rather than a minor-league baseball star. Whatever you find, you’ll be in for some fast fun.
The bad: The real question here is, where’s the line between a guy who loves sports and the maniac sports fan who lives for nothing else? You may find that in a competition between you and the team, you keep losing out.
What you should consider: The possibility for the high life (trading in your Civic for a limo) is somewhat remote, but the excitement of the game may be pretty compelling. And like I said before, passion in one area can translate to other areas, including sex!

The Damaged Man

The Damaged Man seems so sensitive, and he’s clearly been hurt before. And it may be entirely legit. That woman may have done him wrong, he may have really been wronged at work, or suffered a few supremely bad years and unlucky breaks. He’s emotional and is able to share his feelings freely.
All that doesn’t mean he’s entirely out of the running, but you should be aware going in of the special nature of a relationship with a Damaged Man.

The good: The Damaged Man may have strong feelings and the willingness to express them. And if he’s aware that he made some serious mistakes in the past, he may work hard to avoid that kind of pain again. If he’s coming out of a bad relationship, you won’t have to compete with his ex.
The bad: Some women love a project. A sad, hungry puppy to bring home and feed and pet and coddle. But this is life, and you’re looking for a partner who can contribute, not another dependent. In addition, there are plenty of Damaged Men who like the helpless role, or play it in order to get attention.
What you should consider: It’s not your job to convince a man that he can heal and grow. That’s his job. On the other hand, most people are wounded, or have been at some point. It may be that the two of you can find healing together.

The Bad Boy

Did you skip straight down to here? Hah. I’m not surprised. So many of us love the shameless, bold, unapologetically masculine attractiveness of the Bad Boy.

He’s a pool shark, a hustler, a rebel who freely expresses his opinion without regard for political correctness or polite society. Overtly masculine and compellingly powerful… He makes your mouth water, doesn’t he?

The good: Some Bad Boys do want to settle down eventually. You could get to have a lot of fun, followed by a slow settling into place. Win win.
The bad: Don’t go into it in order to change him. Bad Boys typically have a resistance to commitment. If you jump in the sack, you should be ready for no rules and no strings attached.
What you should consider: He’s an alpha male, so he will respond to an alpha challenge. Be bold and forthright with a Bad Boy for best results. Maintain a healthy respect for yourself and don’t stick around if he doesn’t show the same. Know when to dump the chump.

The Sugar Daddy

This used to mean “rich old guy with a gold medallion and a furry chest” but now there are Sugar Daddies who are fresh-made internet millionaires, rap stars, businessmen, athletes, entertainers, and more. If you’re looking for dating opportunities with wealthy men, there a thousand Sugar Daddy and Sugar Baby dating sites out there, and plenty of other “fishing” spots (yacht clubs, golf clubs, art galleries, etc.) where you can go.

The good: He’s looking for attention, romance, and (most likely) sex without drama. If you’re looking for someone to finance your life while you finish school, enjoy your modeling career, or some other relatively short-term thing, you might be interested in a Sugar Daddy.
The bad: While it’s possible to find a Sugar Daddy who wants to marry his Sugar Baby, don’t go into it automatically expecting a long-term offer, or even exclusivity. Fortunes change quickly these days, and newly rich can turn to newly middle-class in an eyeblink.
What you should consider: For some, dating a Sugar Daddy feels a little too close to prostitution for comfort. For others, dating is dating, and they would rather put energy into a Sugar Daddy / Sugar Baby relationship than waste time going out with scrubs. Also, age is more than a number, if you’re looking for the kind of compatibility that will be there now AND in 10 years.

The Shy Guy

Studies show that at least 30-50% of men are reportedly introverts. Just because he’s shy doesn’t mean he’s inexperienced. The Shy Guy is not as visible on the dating scene (because all the extroverted guys are hogging the spotlight) but that doesn’t mean they can’t be found. Once in a while they are mistaken for stalker-types, simply because they stay a few steps behind for so long while they’re trying to screw up the courage to talk with you.

The good: The Shy Guy is going to be nervous, but he’ll also be thrilled to find himself the object of your attention, and will usually be highly sensitive and responsive. And Shy Guys can be wonderfully romantic!
The bad: If you are the impatient kind, a Shy Guy may not be a match for you. He’s likely to move slowly and carefully, and rarely will he do something without carefully considering all the angles in advance. And even then he may not be able to work up the courage for it.
What you should consider: The limitations of a Shy Guy can easily be overcome by a woman who is confident, willing to take the lead, and in no terrible hurry.

The Brain

He’s brilliant, focused, and intelligent. He’s been a member of MENSA since middle school, and he went to an Ivy League school. He’s patient, because he’s spent untold numbers of hours relentlessly chipping away at major problems. He can be sexy without even trying, but he can also forget to take turns in a conversation.

The good: Every relationship faces trouble spots. He may suck at the nuances of communication, but by all that’s holy no problem will get the better of The Brain. If you could use someone to help you think smarter, not harder, an intellectual companion like The Brain is a great choice. The body fades, but the brain remains!
The bad: Monologues. Unless you can hold your own with an extremely intelligent man, you may become a verbal hostage to his latest brilliant discovery, observation, insight, etc etc etc.
What you should consider: Simply being around The Brain can make you feel smarter. But if you can’t get him to stop talking when you take off your clothes, you might be better off with a robot. However, chances are pretty good that “naked” will catch his attention.

What NOT to Order (and how to send something back to the kitchen)

So by now you’ve seen a little bit of the good and bad in each “type” of guy, even the ones traditionally considered major catches or total losers.

Even so, there are a few types of men you definitely don’t want to get involved with for any reason, and below you’ll find a list of questions you can ask yourself in order to uncover the warning signs that you’re in the no-go zone.

1. Do my friends dislike him?
When you’re in the initial stages of falling in love, it’s going to be hard for you to hear anything your friends have to say about your new love interest if it sounds the least bit critical.

However, you’re chemically imbalanced when you’re head-over-heels, and that’s partly why you should listen. Your friends are watching everything unfold from a more objective viewpoint than your own, and they have your interest at heart.

If your smartest, emotionally healthiest friends have grave misgivings about your paramour, that’s a pretty good indicator that there’s something amiss.

2. Does he dislike my friends?
A romantic con artist who is out to take you for a chump is definitely NOT going to like your friends, and in fact he’s going to do everything he can to turn you against them.

And if he’s good at the con, he’ll be incredibly subtle at first, casually lacing his conversations with comments designed to cast doubt in your mind about the reliability and worth of the people who have always been closest to you.

If he’s less a con man and more a garden variety controlling jerk, he’ll be more blatant, and possibly begin making requests that you see less of your friends and more of him.

Alarm bells should be ringing loud and clear. Stay away.

3. Does he constantly talk trash about his family, co-workers, friends, or ex?
He has a dozen reasons why he shouldn’t have to pay child support, and he just can’t seem to find a single non-nasty thing to say about his mother. The world conspires against him, and he’s gotten a raw deal, the unlucky breaks, the sucky bosses, and nothing is ever his fault.

Boy, is this guy bad news.

If he trash talks everything and everyone around him, chances are he is unwilling to take a look at himself to see just how offensive he is. There’s about as much chance of a healthy relationship with a a guy like this as there is putting out a forest fire with a water pistol.

4. Does he always seem to have money for dates, expensive new sneakers, and other treats, but is unable to pay the rent (or is asking me for a loan)?
At first these guys are a lot of fun. They know how to party and don’t mind dropping some cash to treat a woman wonderfully.

However, it soon becomes clear that there are some significant issues with priorities. If he sports luxury Lugano shades and wants to take you to Dubai, but just got evicted from his crappy apartment because he didn’t pay the rent, you know.

5. Do I know where his money comes from?
This one is tricky. When I first met one wealthy man who later became a very good friend of mine, I couldn’t tell that he did ANYthing to justify the luxurious home where he lived and all the traveling he did for pleasure. When I asked about his work, he was vague.

The thoughts do go through your head at that point: drug runner, high political ex-pat or refugee, internet scam artist, jewel thief, gambler, inside trader, money laundering schemer, gangster, etc.

As it turned out, he was a prominent author who published under a pen name and didn’t want to be “famous” among his friends and neighbors. He was (and still is!) an all-around nice guy.

But if you go into a deeper relationship without knowing something as significant as the source of a man’s income, you could be in for a not-so-nice surprise later.

6. Does he brag about what a good liar he is, or how well he can dupe people (his boss, his mother, his ex) out of what he owes them?
He’s proud of the ways he sticks it to his boss, shafts his brother-in-law, or consistently cons people into his schemes, guess what? You’ll be next.

7. Does he encourage me to do things independently?
Con men, controllers, and other abusive men make it their mission to divide you from your friends, family, and independent interests, “in the name of love.”

A man who values the woman you are when you aren’t with him is a keeper; but if he only loves you when you’re under his thumb, you’ve got one that you need to return to the wild and warn your friends against.

8. Are the details of his past verifiable?
If you keep hearing different stories about where he grew up, who he’s related to, or what jobs he’s had in the past, it may be time to do a little background checking.

It’s easier than ever to cross-check simple information online, and if you find disconnects there, it’s worthwhile to ask him to explain.

Any guy worth his salt will fess up to any small things he might have said to make himself look better, and the ones who are trying to hide something are better kept off your list of eligible men.

9. Do I ever find myself uncertain as to whether he’s about to show affection or become violent?
This may be the leading indicator of whether or not this man is safe for you to be around. Blaming, shaming, harming, and hitting often go hand-in-hand with charm and sweet-talking for some of the most dangerous men, which can set up confusion and keep their victims constantly off guard.

Stay well clear of these men, and let your intuition guide you. If you have a hunch that things are not good, they probably aren’t. Your safety is paramount, and no amount of justification can make emotional or physical abuse acceptable.

Letting a Decent Guy Down Gently

Not every guy is a psycho, thank goodness. Sometimes you just find out that you’re not a match and you want to be able to let him know without being unclear or unkind.

How hard is it? Not too hard!

And here are some tips for making it work smoothly and gently, every time.

1. Introduce Him to Other Interested Women
The next time you see him and he invites you to join him for dinner or a drink, decline politely and introduce him to a girlfriend.

The message is subtle, but available if he’s willing to see it. If your friend does actually find him intriguing, that’s even better. The more he senses other options are available to him, the less he’ll be focused on you.

2. Build Some Distance in Your Communications
Every single email doesn’t have to be returned the instant it pings in. Letting his texts and emails and phone calls go unanswered or unreturned for a little while has a cooling effect. Be sure you DO respond, just don’t respond instantly.

When you do get back to him, be clear: tell him you’re not interested in going out this weekend.

3. Sit Down with Him Privately and Explain
If he’s not getting the message that you’re not interested any more, it’s time to be very direct. You owe him that, no matter how embarrassing either of you finds the prospect.

Be sure to do this in private space, and have a clear exit plan (“I have to get to my class,” or “I’m meeting a girlfriend for dinner,”) so that you can easily make an end to the conversation. The whole thing shouldn’t take more than 30 minutes – and the sooner it’s over with, the sooner both of you can begin to feel better.

Oh, and DON’T let him be the last to know…

4. Be Honest
This is a hard one, but it removes any ambiguity. In addition, if you can tell him the reasons WHY you’re breaking up with him, he at least has a chance to understand how he might fare better in his next relationship.

Of course, it may be as simple as not sharing the same foundational goals, but often it’s far more complicated.

This means you need to do your own homework, and come up with a way to encapsulate some of the significant reasons in a way that don’t sound condemning or vindictive.

5. Make it Clean
Don’t agree to any “last” dates or outings. This only makes your breakup message harder for him to understand, and keeps the conversation on the table.

Don’t “check in with him” by phone or text or email! He’ll be fine, and he doesn’t need you monitoring his progress. If you need to give yourself a deadline, wait at least 3 months before initiating ANY “checking in” kind of contact.

6. Keep it Civil
Just because you broke up doesn’t mean that if you see each other at the local mall you can’t smile and speak nicely as you pass. You may not feel like smiling, and you may not want to be friends, but if you’re both normal and you do it right, there’s no reason you couldn’t live calmly in the same town.

7. Keep on Rollin’
This means you move on. You don’t censure your social posts because you “don’t want to hurt his feelings.” You don’t wait until he’s dating someone else before you feel like you have permission to do the same. You LIVE your life, and let him live his.