Considering Commitment Worksheet
You’ve sampled the Man Buffet and enjoyed some of the guys you’ve dated, chalked up lessons learned from others. And there’s one particular man…
Well, you are starting to think he’s a keeper. The real thing. The man for you.
How do you know if he’s the guy you should consider an exclusive dating relationship with? How can you tell for sure that he’s marriage material? Because there’s a big difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now, and simply saying, “I just KNOW,” isn’t enough.
Here are the top 10 indicators that will help you determine whether he’s a man with real potential for sharing the rest of your life with or just another good guy you’re glad to have known.
- He makes you feel great about yourself.
- You’ve both experienced considerable personal growth since you started dating each other.
- You both share the same family values and foundational outlook on life.
- He values your opinion.
- You’ve successfully discussed and agreed on some financial plans together.
- You never have the sense that he’s hiding something from you.
- You have great sexual chemistry together.
- You completely trust him.
- The two of you have talked about marriage and/or he’s asked you to marry him.
- Your most trusted friends and family have affirmed your opinion of him.
How many can you check off? Girlfriend, you deserve ALL of these BEFORE you sign on the line. Which is not to say you’re ready to stop dating around and jump in with this one guy exclusively. You deserve plenty of time sampling the buffet; don’t rush yourself or you’ll get a cramp (ha!).
Seriously, it’s awesome when you find a guy you think could be Mr. Right, but there’s still more to consider before you go there. Don’t worry, there’s are plenty of ways to find out if you’re ready for an exclusive commitment, or if you’d rather simply date for a bit longer…
Should You Simply Date, OR Are You Ready For Commitment?
Don’t forget: just because you’re dating a guy doesn’t mean he’s “The One.” In fact, you get to date for lots of fabulous reasons. I’m not trying to convince you NOT to commit, but here are just a few reasons to consider simply dating for a while…
Dating (without commitment) is FUN
Dating is waaaay more fun than watching old \textit{Family Matters} (long live Urkel!) reruns, chica. Although I admit \textit{Seinfeld} reruns are pretty compelling. But I was saying: dating lets you get out of your house, have a little pleasure, and get to know someone new.
Dating (without commitment) lets you test out new things
Ok, so you’re ready to try out the Catnip Principle, your new sexy Body Moves, or practice looking for conversational Sugar Spots (see earlier Wake Up Gorgeous lessons). Dating is your perfect opportunity!
Dating (without commitment) reminds you that it’s not your job to “save” anyone
If you’re the type of woman who seems to keep bringing home the helpless lost puppies of the man world, dating without commitment can help you learn to break that habit. And once you’re no longer looking for a pet project, you’ll be much more ready to consider an exclusive dating arrangement.
Dating (without commitment) reminds you that YOU don’t need “saving”
Same coin, other side. You are not a princess in desperate need of rescue! You are a princess in command of her kingdom, and you get to hold tournaments in which men try to win your favor! How’s that for turnaround?
Dating (without commitment) gives you time to unpack your baggage
But not during the date, of course! Dating without commitment simply gives you time to work on some of the issues that either caused a breach in your former relationships, or could cause one in a new relationship. Simply dating brings you some much-needed process and discard time.
Dating (without commitment) lets you be your normal, attractive, not-desperate self
Sometimes you may have felt like you had to twist into a zillion different shapes to be the person a particular man would be attracted to. Simply dating without commitment lets you enjoy being the person you REALLY are. Which will work nicely in your favor if and when you decide to commit to a man.
Dating (without commitment) lets you know that you don’t NEED a man to feel happy
How great is it when dating is the cherry in the whipped cream on the ice cream sundae of your life? It’s not the whole thing (I almost said it’s not the whole \textiti{enchilada}), it’s just the special, bright, yummy, sticky, delicious treat on top! Your LIFE should make you happy; once you really encompass that idea, you’re ready to add a man (the cherry!) to the top.
Okay, you probably knew all that already. But it’s always a good reminder. Because you deserve to have a little fun, enjoy some time growing into the sunshine, spreading your petals out under the sky.
What does commitment REALLY look like?
Committing yourself to one person can be an enriching and deeply gratifying experience. But it’s also a risk, and you should know the realities of dating one man exclusively before you move forward with it.
Here are some questions to ask yourself (be painfully honest in your answers) so that you can begin to evaluate your own readiness for an exclusive dating commitment and eventual marriage.
Does “forever” sound waaay too long?
If you are with someone whom you already know isn’t the right man, you probably don’t think in terms of “forever.” That’s a good indicator that you’re with Mr. Right Now, rather than Mr. Right. Nothing wrong with that, but don’t make the mistake of committing!
Can you envision your future lives together?
This is the person you’re considering growing old with and the only person with whom you’ll ever be sexually intimate again. You’ll grow into much of it, but you need a good foundation to work from now. Can you see yourself with him 50 years from now? How do you envision your living situation, relationship with grown children, career, sex, and finances looking in 50 years? These are things you should think about NOW, because once you commit, it becomes harder to shift gears.
Have you grabbed hold of your basic freedoms?
Contrary to current cultural stupid-isms, you don’t “lose” all your freedom when you get married. You should be the independent, fulfilled, expansive woman you are now EVEN after you get married.
The reason this cultural concept arises is because the two of you agree not to sleep around. Sex with one person is NOT the same as “miserably shackled.” (In fact, it can be pretty damn good to get smokin’ hot with your one man!)
Do you have other priorities that you need to take care of?
If you’re trying to finish grad school, or if you have kids you need to get situated, or if you’re trying to get financially back on your feet again, this is really not a good time to commit. A good time to date, absolutely. But save the commitment for when you feel solid and ready to put a chunk of energy into this relationship.
Are you being absolutely honest with yourself?
It takes guts and discipline to look at what YOU really want out of life and out of a relationship, and not let that dream be colored by what other people want you to have. Before you commit, you should have a clear sense of your goals for life, and know that this man could fit into them.
Have you established strong habits for self-care?
What things do you do for yourself so that you remain creative, healthy, and beautifully in tune with your dreams, your surroundings, and your community? If you’re still building in that area, this is a good time for you to date, but probably not yet time for you to commit.
Letting Him Work For and Win Your Trust
In the first section above, Top 10 Signs That He’s Marriage Material, number 8 on the list is “You trust him completely.” But before you rush right past that, tell me:
Do you tend to place your trust too easily?
How wisely you place your trust in a particular man depends on the following 6 factors:
Factors that only YOU control:
How well-adjusted and emotionally healthy you are
Factors that you BOTH have a say in:
How long you’ve known each other
Whether you’ve gone through some “rough times” together, and come out stronger
How well the two of you communicate
How well your interests coincide
Factors that only HE controls:
Whether he shows himself to be a man of integrity
So what specific things can a man do to win your trust?
He needs to convince you first and foremost with his ACTIONS that he can be trusted. But you can also ask yourself – is he honest? Do his words and actions match up 100% of the time? Does he let you see the real man beneath the public mask? And perhaps most of all, does he acknowledge when he’s wrong and do his best to make it right?
BONUS: 2 “Shortcuts” to Trust
Believe it or not, there IS a way to build trust even faster than usual. That’s what happens when
a) someone you already trust “vouches” for him, or
b) you have solid proof (experience or stories) of his integrity even before you begin dating.
This frequently happens when you have a best friend in common with the man you are dating, or else he’s a friend of your family, and a trusted relative really likes him and thinks the two of you would be a good match.
Do The Two of You Communicate Well? (The Amazing Mystery of O.M.U.W.)
My girlfriend and were on a weekend beach trip together not too long ago. She’s been married for a good many years so I asked her: what’s the secret? She laughed, and said something cryptic: “O.M.U.W.,” she told me.
“Omyew?” I asked, wondering if I’d heard her right or we’d both had one too many Margaritas. “What on earth does that mean?” And so she told me about the amazing mystery, which wasn’t really a mystery so much as it was a brilliant and extremely simple piece of advice she’d gotten from her own mother. Four simple words, which had meant the difference between a solid marriage and a messy divorce:
Open Mouth, Use Words.
It had been her mantra, and it had worked. Rather than relying on hints, or hoping/believing her husband already knew or understood what she needed, felt, and wanted from him, she relied instead on this basic principle. She told him. As clearly as possible, with as little drama and “beating around the bush” as she humanly could.
And it worked for her, and it’s worked for me. I know it will work for you, too.
In fact, if you follow me on the Digital Romance blog and Digital Romance TV, you’ll hear me say it time and time again, in response to so many of the letters and emails that women around the world send in: Talk to him. Let him know. Be clear, be direct, and tell him!
And that’s it! There’s not another 17 pages of information on communicating with your man (although there are some things in the worksheet for you about it) – just that one simple principle. O.M.U.W. Open mouth, use words. It will take you so far!
