You used to talk on the phone every day, but lately it’s been more like once a week. You can’t seem to get him to commit to weekend plans (he’s always trying to “keep his options open”) and you’ve been trying to ignore your sinking feeling that he’s about to give you the infamous boy-astronaut “I need space” speech. Ugh.
You were just SURE you were imaging things, because frankly, the sex is still awesome… if you actually have it.
Plus he recently upgraded his haircut, wardrobe, and gym routine, which is lovely, because he had been getting so annoyingly casual lately.
But now suddenly you suspect all the new changes may not be for YOU…
A whole universe of suck
Being dumped is a whole universe of suck. It’s bad enough when you know it’s coming, but far, far worse when you don’t.
And what about those times you think you’re about to be dumped, and you do the exact WRONG thing at the WRONG time, and end up being responsible for your own miserable breakup in a way you never intended?
All the girlfriends that say, Hey, now you don’t have to tolerate all his pain-in-the-ass habits, you’re free, you can find yourself, you can do all the things he didn’t want to do… You love those girlfriends, but they make you want to scream. They make you want to stab things, even cute things. Especially cute things.
Because there’s just no getting around the massive hit to your self-esteem. You feel like a reject, an idiot, a sucker, and most of all a loser. You question your attractiveness, your intelligence, your basic acceptableness as a human being.
You want to cut your hair, take a sledgehammer to your apartment, and firebomb his prissy little car. Damn that man.
But what if you had magic “future vision”?
What if you could look a week, a month, even a year ahead in time and KNOW how things were going to turn out?
Think of all the headaches, sleepless nights, and double vodka-tonics THAT might save you.
That would seriously put YOU in the seat of power in any relationship. You could calmly look ahead, see with perfect clarity what was about to happen, and make a decision about what you want to do NOW. Which means…
- No more time wasted on a douchebag guy.
- No more effort poured into a relationship that’s going nowhere.
- No more horrible, embarrassing, surprise “I need space” talks.
- No more surprise, embarrassing anything, actually.
Because you would KNOW. In advance. And you could decide whether you wanted to keep the relationship, or deep-six it and move on.
And, so long as we’re hanging out in La-La-Land, let’s add one more pretty little twist with sparkles:
What if you could ALSO know what moves you’re tempted to make (because you’ve done it before) that just might wreck paradise…
In other words, you would have your own personal mini Dr. Phil or Dear Abby, a mini superstar straight-thinker letting you know not only what the right moves are in any given relationship situation, but also what the wrong ones would be.
Guess what? That’s exactly what Dump Radar is all about. I’m so glad you’re here.
Because even if you don’t need it right NOW, if you’re in or about to be in a major relationship, this will come in pretty handy.
It’s not going to be painfully long, incredibly complex, or even very hard to master.
And yet you’ll find it’s going to be a major power tool – a whole garage kitted out with them! – for any strong woman who wants to build the relationship of her dreams, without all the drama and difficulty.
So. No reason to delay any longer – let’s head into the women-only “toolshed” and see what’s there!
8 Signs He’s About to Dump You (and what to do about it)
I’m not going to promise you that all relationships will follow these particular patterns, but the truth is that most of them do. What I want to give you is a very powerful and on-target Dump Radar system, or a thorough tune-up to your existing Dump Radar.
There can be some problems with the advice you’ll find on the internet, on dating sites, or even the kind of advice your gal pals will share. In fact, we’ll talk in a moment about the biggest one of all that most dating gurus and relationship pros get completely, totally WRONG. (Hint: it’s all about sex. Feel free to scroll down, but be sure to come back, too.)
First, though, I want to acknowledge your woman’s intuition as a starting point for your Dump Radar.
1. You just have that “feeling” (intuition)
Women’s intuition is a fact, not a myth. Most scientists agree that your ability to feel a hard-to-define-but-clearly-there “hint” that something is amiss in your relationship is based on your social power and your ability to read complex emotions.
Men can do this too, but not nearly as well. In fact, there are very few who are really good at navigating the complex tangle of emotional currents in a normal relationship. This is why they tend to prefer straight-out communication, rather than “feeling” their way along.
In fact, it’s usually true that guys will avoid complex emotional situations entirely – forever! – if given the option. They don’t like a game they know they’ll lose.
So when you feel that little “ping” on your emotional radar that things aren’t going well… They probably aren’t.
- Fix it:
Try a straight out conversation with him. Try not to use touchy-feely language; instead, talk to him in an intimate, friend-to-friend manner without heavy emotional pressure. Let him know things seem off to you, and you’re wondering if something is not going the way he’d hoped. - Deep-six it:
If you’ve been feeling this way for a while and talking to him hasn’t revealed anything helpful, or if you’re getting this Dump Radar ping AND several other warning signs, it may be time to go ahead and have a “let’s part ways” conversation. - Wrong approach:
Don’t do anything without the conversation. There could be a legit reason (his boss is on him, he’s worried about finances, your mom is driving him nuts, etc.) behind your intuition that something’s wrong. Trying to move quickly to dump him before he can dump you is a guaranteed way to make a potentially fixable situation permanently broken.
2. THE NON-SIGNAL: The SEX stays the same (or even improves)
This is the one I warned you about earlier.
Nearly every single person thinks that when the sex is off, the relationship is off.
They’ll tell you that if you’re not having sex with your guy any more, he’s probably becoming less interested and starting to look around for, or has already found, another girlfriend.
THE TRAP: The Dump Radar sign of declining or non-existant sex is usually only true in a committed, exclusive relationship. And by that I mean a marriage, typically.
Unless you have a ring on your finger, or you both have agreed to commit exclusively to each other (including finances as well as body parts), I don’t recommend you BE exclusive at all.
If you’re dating a guy and you think you’re in a committed, exclusive relationship but the two of you haven’t discussed this issue, guess what? You are not in an exclusive relationship. YOU may be committed to him, but he’s not committed to you.
The plain, hard fact of the matter is that guys can have epic, mind-blowing sex with women they are NOT in love with. With women they don’t even particularly like.
It’s incredibly hard for women to understand this, because it just isn’t how we operate. But there it is.
You may be on the verge of breakup and never know it by looking at the sex.
- Fix it:
If your sex is still pretty good, but even so you’re feeling a “ping” on your Dump Radar, take a look at the other signs (see below) and find out if there are multiple indicators that something’s going wrong in your relationship. You’ll need more than a single thing to go by. Follow the “Fix it” advice on one of those signals you’re getting. - Deep-six it:
Since “great sex” isn’t really going to be an indicator that you are about to be dumped, there’s not a lot to say here! But congrats, you’re having great sex. : ) - Wrong approach:
Don’t launch any accusations without taking a close look at your original agreements as a couple. Did you explicitly agree to be exclusive? You can’t expect him to “just know” anything.
3. “Plans” becomes a dirty word
He can’t seem to commit to a weekend in the mountains even with several weeks’ lead time.
He still hasn’t got back to you about the intimate-dinner-at-home plans for Saturday night and it’s the day of and you can’t shop for groceries if he won’t tell you he’s coming!
He said he’d be at the club to meet you and your friends after work on Thursday (and Friday), but he never showed.
Heaven forbid you should actually pay for tickets to anything…
If you can’t make plans and count on him to be there, you’re probably getting a solid indication that he’s feeling some heavy-duty fear of commitment.
- Fix it:
Start making plans that don’t include him and let him remember what it feels like to not have you around. I’m not talking about being angry and vindictive or sleeping with other guys – I just mean you should pursue your exciting, fun, and interesting life without going out of your way to include him. Yeah, it’s tough. But look around! There are so many places to go and so many friends to go with. I know you’d really like to do those things with him, but you are still a complete person even without a man. And chances are, if he really does like you and wants to be with you, he’ll experience the letdown of no longer being at the center of your sparkling, shining universe, and he’ll come right along. - Deep-six it:
If he’s not seriously invested in you, the tactic above will expose his feelings. Then you can have the sit-down conversation with him that lets him know you’re ready to move on. Yep, it hurts, but it’s better than having him string you along for sex until you get into a screaming match and say things in the ugliest possible manner. - Wrong approach:
Don’t draw up more “rules” for your relationship. Like telling him he really needs to be able to attend at least one of your dinners with your family every month. And you expect him to call at least once per day, or else. And he needs to item x by date y.
Don’t constantly remind him of (your) rules or deliver extended lectures or guilt-imposing rants. You’re not his mom, boss, or secretary. Thank goodness.
4. He does half-hugs and other “pulling-away” body language
You used to get full-frontal hugs, mmm. Now he hugs you from the side, or gives you one of those torso-only hugs which he could also comfortably give your mom or baby sister.
Check for other “pulling away” body language signs, too. Does he cross his arms when the two of you are having a conversation? Does he gaze into your eyes when you are out together for dinner, or do his eyes keep flicking away to every other girl (or television, or opening/shutting door) in the place? Does he nod when you talk, or does he seem to be anything but listening?
- Fix it:
Pulling-away body language doesn’t necessarily mean the death-knell for a relationship. What it does mean is that he’s either feeling stressed and uncomfortable, or bored and restless. So try giving him some room to breathe. Take a step or two back from the intimacy and he’s likely to stop feeling so overwhelmed. If the problem is that he’s bored, then encourage him to do some of the things he finds powerfully engaging, whether that means a guys’ night out, a kayaking trip with buddies, or an action movie marathon… Whatever it is, let him do it without you there, so that he remembers how good it is to enjoy the things he’s passionate about. - Deep-six it:
If you’re getting pulling-away body language along with other “Dump Radar” signs, you may decide you’re ready to stop investing so much into Mr. Okay, so that you can pour your energy into making yourself available for Mr. Awesome. When you have your friendly conversation to give him the news, use your body language to let him know you’re disappointed but not devastated. Touch him calmly on the knee or arm as you explain your desire to move on, and even offer him a half-hug and a winning smile when you part ways. This takes the lid off the pressure-cooker, makes you look good, and also leaves the door open for a possible friendship down the road. - Wrong approach:
Don’t pull out your flirty moves (lip licking, hair touching, sultry looks, leaning in, sexy walk) in an effort to draw him back in. If he’s feeling overwhelmed, this will backfire, and if he really is staring to reconsider his relationship with you, this sort of behavior only makes you seem desperate, and desperation is not sexy!
5. You get the “I need space” boy astronaut speech
Ok, this one is pretty obvious, as signs go. But it doesn’t always mean he’s ready to hit the road. Sometimes it means exactly what it sounds like: he needs space, and wants – genuinely wants – you to help him get that. Not because he’s shaking you off, but because the pace is scaring him and he needs to slow it down in order to not be flung from the relationship roller coaster entirely.
- Fix it:
It’s not hard to put solutions for this one into place; simply start making more plans that don’t require his presence. Keep living your life, keep loving the the things you do, keep following your passions and building your career. Just don’t inform him of your every move, call and text him every day, and expect him to show for every event you’re involved with. Give the boy some space. Let him know you’re there, but also let him breathe. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder! - Deep-six it:
To determine from his space speech that he really IS interested in breaking things off with you, you need to ask him that question outright. Don’t ask it unless you’re willing to hear the answer, though. The “soft” approach is to try the repair work first, and ask the hard question later. But if you find out he’s ready to move on, well… You’re going to be in a world of pain for a while, but chances are you’ve probably already been hurting, and now you can get an end to it and have some closure. Whew. - Wrong approach:
If you try to coerce him into keeping things at their current pace and position, he’s likely to leave immediately. Same thing goes for if you say you’ll both back off a bit, then continue to behave as before.
6. He’s failing the “in front of friends” test
If he’s ditching you once his friends arrive, or talking ugly about you to his friends OR yours, you’re in the wrong match to start with.
But if you started out well, but lately he’s not “claiming” you in public (not holding your hand, not giving you a kiss or a hug if his friends are present). Or you used to feel like his friends completely accepted you as his girlfriend, but lately they are not quite so friendly… There’s definitely something going on.
He may have shared confidences about you that had no business being shared, or he may have already told his friends that he’s moving on. This doesn’t mean there’s no chance for the relationship, but it’s definitely a more serious sign than some of the others.
- Fix it:
Find a neutral time (NOT when it’s happening) and place (NOT your place or his) to talk with him seriously about what you’ve experienced. If there are very private issues you believe have been inappropriately shared with others, you can ask him calmly and directly about them. “Kissing and telling” is not appropriate in any situation. Whether he confirms or denies the breach, you’ll be able to tell a lot from his demeanor. A man who’s hiding something will be angry and defensive. A humble, loving man will be very sorry you’re hurt and will want to make you believe in him again. If it’s simpler – like the fact that he used to put his arm around you in public, but now he seems to avoid touching you at all, you can describe that shift, and ask him if something has changed for him recently. Then stop talking and allow him the space to give you his honest answer. If he’s willing to hear you and talk about it, there’s lots of hope that you’ll be able to repair the relationship and keep moving forward. - Deep-six it:
There’s very little room in any healthy relationship for private OR public disrespect. Nearly everyone has ugly arguments and issues in private, but when those go public, it can be a clear sign that the relationship is not healthy AT ALL. It may not be worth the energy of fixing it, and if you feel safe in doing it, you should definitely explain your reasons for letting him go his own way. - Wrong approach:
It’s easy to be angry and hurt over this one, but what ever you do, don’t play the same game. It’s never appropriate to publicly belittle, trash-talk, or vindictively disrespect the person you are dating.
7. He won’t return your calls and texts
The two of you used to talk several times a week, but now entire weeks go by and he isn’t returning your calls or responding to your text messages. Yes, he apologizes, and you know he’s busy with work, but something feels “off” and you’re wondering if you’re about to be dumped.
Fix it:
Start by separating this into two possible issues:
- Possibility #1: You’re expecting too much. You are geared for daily contact, and at first he tried to keep up. But he’s not a “daily contact” kind of guy. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not that into you, but it does mean you have different expectations and may need to compromise. Take a step back, breathe, and let him show you his preferred level of contact. Then decided whether or not you can work with that.
- Possibility #2: He really IS drifting away. If you want to see what you can do to keep him, try this. Cut ALL the calls out for a few days, and shift back to texting only. But not just ANY texting. The ONLY text you should send him is a single “sexy memory” text… Maybe two. Something to open the door to letting him pursue you again… Something to tease and arouse his interest. Be sure to leave the end open, so that he’s invited to text back.
Like this:
“Remember that crazy thing we did after the midnight movie marathon? You were so sexy. I’m still thinking about…”
“I just heard that song again. The one that reminds me of how much I loved it when you…”
“I was in the hot tub last night and got to thinking again about you and that time we…”
Want more? You need Michael Fiore’s Text the Romance Back program! It will blow your mind.
Deep-six it:
If you already know you’re finished with this relationship, it’s easy enough to let your own rate of contact drift downward along with his. That is, if you’re unwilling to have the awkward, but honest and well-intentioned conversation about why you’re setting off in a different direction.
Wrong approach:
Don’t obsessively start trying to reach him. Don’t call, text, and message him as if someone has just died. Not only is that creepy, it’s unsexy.
Also, don’t apologize all over the place when you DO reach him. You haven’t done anything wrong. All you need to do is shift into a new, less overwhelming pattern of communication.
8. He has a new haircut, cologne, clothes, and gym membership
Uh-oh. Your boyfriend or lover is suddenly sprucing up, and you get the feeling all the effort isn’t happening for YOUR benefit. Of course, some of it simply might be a result of New Year’s resolutions, an urge to cut back on the beer after a particularly bad hangover, or a desire to look good for an upcoming high-school reunion.
But it could ALSO be another woman has captured his interest and he’s getting his game on.
It could be that once the two of you connected, one or both of you stopped trying as hard to be the energetic, appealing people you normally are. Did you trade your cocktail dress for sweats? Or your moto-racing dates for watching Big Bang Theory at home?
- Fix it:
Are you up for a challenge? If you want to draw some of his newfound energy toward YOU, why not invite him to run a Tough Mudder, a sprint triathalon, or another energizing event with you? Get your own hair freshly styled, spruce up your wardrobe, make a leap for that dream you put on the back burner, and see if you can’t recapture the magic that first attracted him to you. Also consider whether there is any “thrill of the chase” left. Did you let him “catch” you completely? If so, shift gears! Get out and follow your dreams and passions. Make dates with other guys and let the world see how you throw sparks just by being yourself. It may be just the thing for reminding him why he was so interested in you to start with. - Deep-six it:
You’ve seen them together or you already know he’s found someone new, and you’re not interested enough to try to win him back. Sometimes you can avoid feeling like the runner up in a beauty pageant by stepping up your engagement with another guy, but the simple fact is that the best way to keep a slow breakup from consuming so much of your life is to confront it head-on. Find a time and place that are convenient for you both, and make it clear that you are ready to move on. - Wrong approach:
Whining, pleading, crying in front of him are OUT. If you hit him with a motherlode of complicated, stormy emotion, he’ll do anything – including outright lies – to get you off his case.
Let your pain come out in private with trusted girlfriends, but keep a pleasant face in public no matter what approach (fix it or nix it) you decide to take.
Should You Save a Dying Relationship?
It’s never, ever fun to begin to realize you’re about to lose the relationship you care most about. And there are many angles to consider before you decide to give up on it entirely.
- The “backlog of success” test
Think about the hardships you’ve already successfully been through together – it may be that you’re willing to go through a few more because you’ve built up so much history together. - The “we really were a team” test
Sometimes you get to thinking, “I built all this myself, without any help from him,” when that may be an exaggeration. Was he the one who encouraged you to go back to school, follow your dreams, or strike out as a freelancer? Was he the one who covered for you when you screwed up that time? If so, the relationship may be worth continuing to work on. - The “we have a great support system” test
If you have a great network of friends and family who really believe in the two of you, it may be time to tap into their help. Consider asking them for advice or assistance as the two of you work through your issues. - The “trust” test
Do you know that he’s going to be honest with you, even if he doesn’t like what’s happening in your relationship? Do you feel like you can trust him completely, even if things are crappy? That’s something worth considering, because it doesn’t come along very often. You can do a LOT together if you know you can count on the other person, no matter how difficult things get. - The “big pieces” test
Sometimes we get all out of sorts over issues that don’t really call for a breakup. He doesn’t call you by that pet name anymore. Romance is harder to maintain. He’s short-tempered, or impatient. Lots of these small signs are indicative of bigger issues in the relationship, but sometimes they’re just small things! If the biggest, most important parts of your relationship are intact and functional, don’t sweat the small stuff. You’ve got the best, you can tweak the rest.
If you’d like to chat more, ask a question, or share your story, be sure to head over to my Facebook page! I’ll look forward to the conversation.
Stay strong, Beautiful!
Claire Casey
