Does a committed couple have to be “getting busy” regularly – or at all – in order to be happy together?
Are there couples out there who make relationships without sex work, and even work well?
Is sex the foundation of all good relationships?
No. It’s not.
You can have a good relationship without sex, particularly if we’re talking about sexual intercourse.
So the headline of this article is tricky, right? Because sex and intercourse are NOT the same thing. More on that in a moment…
But first, here’s why a relationship without sex — meaning without sexual intercourse — can be a good one:
Intimacy (not intercourse) is the connective tissue of deep, abiding relationships
Sexual intercourse happens to be one of the most fun and exciting parts of intimacy, but it’s certainly not the only, ahem, tool in the intimacy toolbox.
Kissing, holding hands, hugging, and seeing each other naked are acts of intimacy. But it’s bigger than that.
Changing a baby’s diaper or braiding your sister’s hair is an intimate act. Saying grace over dinner is an intimate act. Helping a wheelchair-bound friend learn to swim is an intimate act.
And haven’t you been near a couple who is arguing intensely in public and felt a bit uncomfortable? That’s because working out our differences is an intimate act.
It’s more accurate to say intimacy is the foundation of all good relationships, and that definition does actually leave room for a good but “sexless” marriage.
What is a “sexless” marriage?
Again, this is not helpful language, but people DO talk about it this way.
Ten rolls in the hay or fewer per year defines a “sexless” marriage, according to Wikipedia’s sources. They are talking, of course, NOT about a relationship without sex, but rather a relationship without sexual intercourse.
There are many reasons committed couples might not be having intercourse, including:
- depression
- stress
- issues connected with sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
- erectile dysfunction (ED)
- medications
- low sexual interest or sexual aversion
As many as 15-20% of couples, according to one study, are in a “sexless” marriage.
I keep putting “sexless” in quotes because I think it’s an inadequate way to describe some of these relationships. Because some couples DO make it work, even without intercourse. Those couples may still have deep intimacy and things other than intercourse that are the glue of the relationship.
And obviously, for some people a relationship without intercourse is a deal-breaker, and those relationships will eventually fall apart.
A relationship WITHOUT intercourse can still be a relationship WITH sex…
Don’t narrow your definition of sex to the old in-and-out. There’s just so much more to it!
All intimacy is not sex, and all sex is not intercourse.
Kissing, stargazing with the one you love, stroking your partner’s skin all over, giving someone a steamy hot bath (don’t you LOVE to have your hair washed??), cuddling, napping together, massage, deep conversations, even dirty talk…
All these are part of a vibrant and fulfilling sex life, and while they might lead to some hot and heavy action between the sheets, they aren’t intercourse itself.
For that matter, you don’t have to have intercourse in order to have an orgasm!
So there is a great, creative wonderland filled with sensual and sexual delights that a couple who is NOT having intercourse might indulge in and enjoy.
The TRUE SECRET to every successful relationship in the world…
The secret to every successful relationship in the world is that both partners need to feel like their most important or highest needs are being met in a loving, caring way.
Whether those are needs for a particular level of sexual activity (to include or not include intercourse), a way of raising kids, or how you look at life, solid relationships are all about finding ways to share and meet each other’s needs in a way that benefits both of you.
