Dating the wrong man will break your heart and wreck your life. But trying to FREE yourself from the wrong man can be a struggle, too…
“I KNEW he was the wrong man, but…”
“Claire, I am dating a guy that I knew was married. Being very sour on my previous relationship, I was essentially just looking just for sex and friendship. But I have fallen in love with this man. The rollercoaster of emotions being involved with a married man is ridiculous!
He had said at the beginning of our relationship that divorce was not an option. So when I met another guy (who I dated for 2 months), I broke it off with the married boyfriend, or rather I told him we should just be friends.
Then his tune changed. He told me he wanted a divorce and needed time to sort it out. It totally reeled me back in. He swears sincerity, but its been almost 6 months and I see no proof he’s trying to leave. I know I deserve better. And that I can’t do this for too much longer.
I know that I am going to have to end things. It just sucks. I’ve told this man multiple times that I do not want to be his mistress, and that if he does not intend to actually leave his wife and have a true relationship with me that he must let me go. Why do they fight so hard to keep you on their leash?” —D
I’m totally impressed, D! You absolutely DO understand what’s going on here, and you know that you’re going to move forward.
To answer your question…
Why do the married men fight so hard to keep you on their leash?
Because if you leave, things won’t feel as good, easy, or smooth as they did with you in his busted-up life.
Remember, this guy is unhappily married.
Sleeping with you and having your attention enabled him to ignore the situation with his wife and/or family.
It helped him feel good about himself and avoid the truth of his situation.
When something’s broken you work to fix it, rather than pretending it’s not broken. He’s willing to work to keep you, but unwilling to work to fix his relationship with his wife, probably because the marriage work will be much harder.
So he’s taking the easy route.
And I do understand why.
ALL of us have done this in some ways, either in our relationships, or our work, or with our dreams. Broken stuff is hard to fix, and sometimes we let things get really bad and then when we look at it we think “Ugh, I just can’t face it,” and we throw the covers over our head and hope it goes away.
AND, there’s THIS sneaky little problem…
Sometimes we enable this behavior in others.
We might do it because there’s something in us that likes the drama (and drama seems to shout: “I’m important”).
We might do it because we are feeling desperate for love and attention.
We might tell ourselves that we’re “not strong enough” to break it off for something better.
And all of these things are sending one message, loud and clear. That message is that we have work to do on ourselves.
Here are 3 Big Painful Truths:
- Most married men do not leave their wives for a mistress.
- Most relationships built out of extra-marital affairs ALSO end in divorce.
- It doesn’t actually make any difference in the wide, wide world that you’ve been “telling him you don’t want to be his mistress.”
YOU have to act, rather than waiting for him to act.
Take control of your life, beautiful, fierce woman! You deserve so much more than the left-over crumbs of someone else’s love.
My favorite part of your story, and your best plan for breaking free…
My favorite part of your story was the bit about how you started dating another man (BEST POSSIBLE MOVE). I only wish you had kept on with that plan.
This is yet another example of how dating the wrong man is PREVENTING you from finding the love you deserve.
- Break up with him. He’s the wrong man for you!
- Completely block him on your phone and socials, so that you’re not tempted to try and “be friends.” That’s way too complicated and messy, and will only hold you back.
- Start investing in your career, hobbies, friendships, dreams.
- Take care of yourself.
- And date other guys!
The sooner you start dating again, the easier it will be to get him off your mind and out of your thoughts.
