Is your boyfriend moving too slowly for you?
He’s absolutely amazing, but it’s been a year now, and your slow boyfriend shows no signs of deeper commitment.
Then two years fly by and you realize you’re in the same place you were 3 months after you started dating him.
How much of your life are you going to invest here? And when will you know that THIS is the man you should keep hanging on for?
“Claire, I have been with a man for two years. I have told him what my goals are and what I want or where I want this relationship to go. But he tells me I am pressuring him by repeatedly bringing it up and that my pace is faster then his. He’s says I should relax and let things happen naturally. What’s your advice?” – Cassie
Okay, Cassie, there could be several things at work here with your slow boyfriend, so I’m going to cover the three most likely possibilities. Then I’ll give you some scripts for how you can talk to your guy and get the answers you need.
He may just be a Snail Male
Some guys are simply slow movers by nature. I married one. When we were dating, it took three months before he held my hand. Three months! (Of course his kisses, which I received on every single date, were to die for.)
Don’t write off your Snail Male variety of slow boyfriend too fast, because they are often very stable – including financially – and they can be a great match for a woman who likes the spotlight (no competition!).
Also, a man with a slow, deliberate approach can be quite a pleasure in the bedroom 🙂 A Steady Eddie will take the time to get you where you want to go, girlfriend. Mmm, hmm.
He may be a Wounded Bear
Some men are slow boyfriends because they have been wounded, or they’re afraid to be wounded. My friend Derrick had trouble making a commitment to his girlfriend (now his wife) because his parents had been very messily divorced, and he was terrified of making the same mistakes they had made.
So ask yourself: Did he just go through a nasty breakup? Has someone close to him been through a nasty breakup? Do a little sleuthing and see if you can uncover any fears that may be slowing him down.
Have you over-committed yourself?
This one is actually the one I hear the most about in letters and emails that I receive from women around the world. And it stings a little, so get ready.
Sometimes men won’t take the next step because you’ve made yourself completely available and committed to him already. If you’ve over-committed yourself, it may be time for you to introduce some breathing room back into your relationship.
If you’re not entirely sure…
Your slow boyfriend my not be motivated or driven by any of these top three drivers. So put on your detective cap and take a thoughtful look at how he benefits by moving slowly.
What’s in it for him? What’s the payoff for him moving as slow as he does?
And don’t worry! If it’s still not clear, you still have easy options for finding out what’s going on in his slow turtle’s heart…
Ask him these exact words
Before you stress yourself out worrying about your slow boyfriend and his glacial pace in the relationship, TALK to him about it.
Talking with your man doesn’t have to be difficult or complicated. Here’s a script that will work. Memorize these exact words, choose a good time, and ask!
I understand that you want to take our relationship slowly. Can you help me understand the reasons why?
AND know and share your own timeline
You should definitely know and tell him what your relationship desires for the future are, and ask him how he envisions his own future as well.
This doesn’t have to feel hostile at all; something like the scripts below should work; simply adjust them for your own particular timeline decision.
“A year is plenty of time to find out whether or not one particular guy is going to be the one I’m willing to stop seeing other men for.”
Or:
“I probably wouldn’t date a guy for more than 6 months if I knew it wasn’t serious.”
This conversation should get you plenty of helpful information, so go into it with a bright heart and a positive spirit. This is going to go well for you!
