Sometimes it hits you out of the blue. Sometimes you feel it coming. EVERY time it hurts like hell, makes a wreck of your heart, and leaves you feeling crushed, empty, and bleeding…
It’s so hard to understand why men leave.
Do you ever feel like you’re operating entirely on guesswork?
“This guy I’ve been seeing for a YEAR seemed to really like me, then out of the blue he totally disappeared. We had 3 dates one week (3!!) and the next week he was “too busy” to see me. After a month of unanswered calls, texts that were ignored, and a few drinking/swearing/crying jags with my gf’s, I finally realized he’s gone for good. But I WISH I knew WHY?? We were good in bed, we had fun together, and I would have sworn he really really liked me. Nothing was going wrong!!! Please tell me why men leave like that. Any ideas?” – Cammie
Good gawd, that hurts. And he was a douche for not behaving like a man and telling you straight up that he was leaving; instead he just slunk out like a rat, feeling absolutely no shame at his little boy behavior. (Well, he may have felt shame, but he certainly didn’t let it move him to do the right thing.)
There are multiple reasons why men leave women they really like or even love, and while I can’t say which one it was in your particular situation, Cammie, I can make a couple of good guesses…
1. Why men leave women they adore: they fear the next step.
This is the main kind of situation you find happening when everything is going GREAT and then he suddenly disappears without a trace. He got creeped out by his own enjoyment of the relationship, because he knows on some level that he doesn’t want to have a long term relationship, doesn’t want to head toward exclusivity, isn’t ready to commit to one woman.
And yes, it’s a wee bit insane, because it’s clear things are going well. Smashingly, even! Guys aren’t always the Tony Stark type they imagine themselves in their minds; sometimes they’re naked little kittens who feel they’ve been left out on the doorstep in the cold.
You’re better off without a guy like this, because he has some emotional growing left to do. You need a man who can stick with you through sun and snow, and he ain’t it. Better to know it now.
2. Why men leave women they adore: they get fresh, hot offers.
This one stings a bit, but it’s nonetheless true: sometimes the reason why men leave is because they already know what their relationship with you is like, and they’re being petitioned by new women.
The new woman isn’t necessarily “hotter” than you are – but she is unknown, and therefore mysterious and intriguing to him. And since he doesn’t already “have” her, his chase mechanism kicks in and he’s off and running after her like an bank robber running for the border.
So what do you do about it?
It’s easy to develop a crazy fear that a guy will leave just when everything is going great. And that’s why you should NEVER decide that a particular man is “the one” until you know exactly how he behaves in a situation like this. He may not be at the same place you are when it comes to his willingness to commit. Therefore…
Don’t be exclusive until you are dating a man who is ready to be exclusive with you.
In other words, keep dating. Don’t let any single man believe you’re all his unless he has decided he’s going to be all yours, too.
Do be clear about your limited availability.
Don’t let a guy think you’ll wait around for him forever. Know your own timeline and find a way to communicate that with him in a calm, non-threatening way.
Something like this:
“Yeah, I broke it off with Nick because we dated for two years and I was pretty sure we weren’t going to ever become serious. I’m still looking for that man I want to build a life together with.
Or:
“I probably wouldn’t date a guy for more than a year if I knew it wasn’t serious.”
Or:
“A year is plenty of time to find out whether or not one particular guy is going to be the one I’m willing to stop seeing other men for.”
Remember this, strong woman…
You may encounter defeats but you are NOT defeated. Don’t forget how strong you are. That’s one of the things I love most about you, beautiful woman.
Hang in there, Cammie. There are lots of men out there who will be thrilled to win a woman like you. Your ex has lost you for good, and eventually he may look back and see that he made a mistake in giving you up. Hopefully he learns how to be a real man (and communicate directly with the women in his life), but meanwhile, you’re on to find a real man of your own. Best to you!
